Making hard choices/decisions.
I've had to in the past few months or just in the past 4yrs make some really hard decisions. I've had to grow up and not make excuses. I've to not think about just myself and wallow in whatever I thought was hurting me. Seeing as I have a daughter now, it's not all about me. Are there 'down' times? Sure. Sure there and were things w/in that I've had to diligently confront and w/that personal confrontation has come a strength that resided w/in all along. That India.Arie song, 'Strength, Courage and Wisdom' –its been inside of me all along….yep, that's definitely been me. When that song came out I was still deep in my Christendom and so I was arguing w/myself on how these things were in Christ and not me…lol…little did I know. Yes, I am grateful for the learning that I've endured in the church but I am also grateful to be done w/it now. I remarked to my dad once that I just transcended it. I grew up out of it. I had to so that I could continue on because I was getting depressed. I was getting things said over the airwaves that I didn't have enough faith and that's why I felt like it was hard (life).
That's all gone now. I am now way different from that now. I am glad that my daughter has gotten to know me now in the state that I am in now then how I was then. I wouldn't have had much to offer her back then because I was soo busy wallowing in self guilt, self pity, self destruction, pain and I would have made some really extra bad decisions out of all of that and fear. Does fear keep you from living? Yep. Along w/a slew of other things.
I've had to confront my relationship that I decided to stay in 05-07. I've had to heal from the stuff that I thought was being done to me and flip it and see it as what did I learn from it…lol. That crashed all of that self-pity right there. See as I was angry and wanted to continue to progress, that's exactly what I did. I got up every morning and diligently did my libations and meditations. I grew yall! I saw the difference when I missed my meditation time rushing to work and when I took that time. I even was doing it on the bus on the way to and from work. I just took that time.
Since I made the physical transition to Florida in June of last yr, (2010) I have had to really confront more things about me. Imbalances that I have been leaning on…I am still learning. Increasing even more in my awareness and listening even more intently to Inner Silence. I call it this because this is what came to me in the past few yrs in my encouraging others. For meditation especially.
