Making hard Decision/Choices

Making hard choices/decisions.

I've had to in the past few months or just in the past 4yrs make some really hard decisions. I've had to grow up and not make excuses. I've to not think about just myself and wallow in whatever I thought was hurting me. Seeing as I have a daughter now, it's not all about me.  Are there 'down' times? Sure. Sure there and were things w/in that I've had to diligently confront and w/that personal confrontation has come a strength that resided w/in all along. That India.Arie song, 'Strength, Courage and Wisdom' –its been inside of me all along….yep, that's definitely been me. When that song came out I was still deep in my Christendom and so I was arguing w/myself on how these things were in Christ and not me…lol…little did I know. Yes, I am grateful for the learning that I've endured in the church but I am also grateful to be done w/it now. I remarked to my dad once that I just transcended it. I grew up out of it. I had to so that I could continue on because I was getting depressed. I was getting things said over the airwaves that I didn't have enough faith and that's why I felt like it was hard (life).

That's all gone now. I am now way different from that now. I am glad that my daughter has gotten to know me now in the state that I am in now then how I was then. I wouldn't have had much to offer her back then because I was soo busy wallowing in self guilt, self pity, self destruction, pain and I would have made some really extra bad decisions out of all of that and fear. Does fear keep you from living? Yep. Along w/a slew of other things.

I've had to confront my relationship that I decided to stay in 05-07. I've had to heal from the stuff that I thought was being done to me and flip it and see it as what did I learn from it…lol. That crashed all of that self-pity right there. See as I was angry and wanted to continue to progress, that's exactly what I did. I got up every morning and diligently did my libations and meditations. I grew yall! I saw the difference when I missed my meditation time rushing to work and when I took that time. I even was doing it on the bus on the way to and from work. I just took that time.

Since I made the physical transition to Florida in June of last yr, (2010) I have had to really confront more things about me. Imbalances that I have been leaning on…I am still learning. Increasing even more in my awareness and listening even more intently to Inner Silence. I call it this because this is what came to me in the past few yrs in my encouraging others. For meditation especially.

 

 

 

RELATING

If you are interested in someone, you should want to know more about THEM as well! It's not all about you....lol...sometimes we are just too self-centered.... I take a lot of time to listen. This is an acquired art- especially for me! I say this because sometimes in the past someone could be talking and one thing they say; a word, phrase or sentence, could send my mind bounding down the road and forgetting that I was in a very physically present conversation. Patience.

I used to hate when my elders told me to be patient. I was always resistant. I wanted what I wanted right then and there. It took some years of grounding and settling to learn to just....chill. What is to come will and when it does, it brings with it its own responsibilities.

Balance

Maybe i'm crazy......lol (doubt it) there is a such thing as 'roles' in the dynamics of relationship. If the woman is trying to be the man in a romantic relationship w/a man....it's a difficult road- only easy if the man decides to be in the feminine role. Out of order!!!!!!!! And i dont give a fuck who disagrees w/me.... Even in same-sex romantic relationships someone has to take the masculine and the other the feminine role. Know your role!! Rest in it. Love it. Appreciate it. Give thanks for it. Respect it. How are you an 'independent' wombman in a romantic relationship w/a man? Both principles are in us all....choose you which way when that time comes to make a decision in the relationship.....respect.

 

I am entering a beautiful time in my life where I am sure that I don't want to be alone forever in this incarnation. When I moved to Florida in July of this yr (2010), I had time to be alone and grow. I didn't give out of my body to any man and I pretty much kept to myself. I meet people no matter wherever I am on the planet. I have really began to evaluate what I really want out of life. When I got to Florida the Spirit began to tell me some things and I felt like, 'nah…I'm not ready…am I?' lol

I had to deal w/the fact that I have an understanding of different facets of relationships and I respect those different types of relationships. Its beautiful-they're beautiful in their own way. However, they are not for me…. I had to deal w/my commitment issues which were rooted in fear. I feared that I may not ever be involved w/someone that would really want to be involved with me and all that entails me.

As I grew up, I was raised by my mom the first 14yrs of my present incarnation. From 14-18, I lived w/my father. I saw man/woman relating in my mom's hsehld but there were some deficiencies…I saw a different type of man/woman relating in my father's hse. In church, w/the leaders, I saw something more wholesome. I loved it!  The leaders showed me that a marriage can work! That's what I wanted.

In 1999, I prayed that I would have a wholly whole marriage w/a husband and children. Well, I still want that. I had to work through my fears. When relationships don't last, I reflect and see where I may be in a pattern so that I can be well for the next time…

Now I am sure that I would like to do the whole legal binding document situation. I feel that I don't want to have another child w/o it. I am a single parent now and I know for a fact that that's not what I want to be for the rest of my life!

One of the things I've found in my personal pondering is the whole strong black independent woman thing. I knw in my early 20s that that shit does not go well in a relationship w/a man. I see evidence of that and have since I was a child. You cannot be a man in the relationship w/another man….not happening if he's a real man. I don't mind the yielding. Everything doesn't have to be a back and forth struggle or challenge. Why not harmony and love?